"Half-heartedly lapping for like 45 seconds then demanding praise...super lame."
If you like going down on your female partner, you're in luck—and more importantly, so is she—because a lack of enthusiasm for cunnilingus is the hardest obstacle to overcome if you ever want to perform it convincingly and satisfactorily. And we should all want to be good at it because, done right, it's more likely to end in a toe-curling orgasm for her than vaginal intercourse. According to one meta study, only 25% of women are consistently orgasmic during sex.
The thing is, a lot of women complain that would-be cunning linguists are making a lot of common mistakes. We know this because we asked them and compiled some of their most common responses below. So read on to make sure that you're no neophyte in the high art of pleasing her in the most intimate of ways.
1. Assuming all women like the same things.
"One time I had a guy go down on me and actually used the line, 'My ex said I gave the best head.' " – A, Vancouver, BC.
You had a past lover who raved about the way you went down on her. Your ability to make her feel good made you feel good and that's great. But it doesn't change the fact that each new partner comes complete with her very own set of likes, and dislikes. So while thinking back on rave reviews is manna for your ego, giving your partner boilerplate oral isn't in either of your best interests. Instead, soak up verbal and nonverbal cues from her like a sponge. While it's advantageous to have a cache of tried and tested techniques at your disposal, the only way to get her where she wants to go is to attune yourself to what works for her.
2. Thinking of cunnilingus as foreplay.
"Half-heartedly lapping for like 45 seconds then demanding praise…super lame." – J, Brooklyn, NY.
Dr. Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman encourages you to think of cunnilingus not as foreplay but as coreplay, the centerpiece of a complete act of outercourse that culminates in her orgasm. "Many men approach cunnilingus as an optional appetizer," he says. "However, this approach does not give a woman ample time to become aroused and ready for direct clitoral contact, nor do a few licks here and there provide the persistent, consistent clitoral stimulation that intensifies arousal." Keep this up and, before you know it, you'll be a freaking god in the bedroom.
3. Being unenthusiastic.
"We know when you're faking it. If you hate going down on a girl then just say it. We can't guarantee it won't be a dealbreaker (because, come on now) but nothing's worse than a guy who gives you a cursory lick with a facial expression akin to a child who hates broccoli and then darts away thinking he's done 'woke guy' duty. Uh, no dude. We can tell time." – E, Seattle, WA.
Back to the Body is a world-traveling women's retreat run by sex educator and author Pamela Madsen. She explains that a lot of women harbour feelings of shame about their vulva and worry about how they look and smell. "The best orgasms happen when women know that their partner loves their pussy," she explains adding that partners would do well to verbalize their excitement and arousal when up close and personal with a woman's vulva. This is a sentiment echoed by Dr. Kerner. "Cunnilingus is an extremely vulnerable act and many women feel a lack of genital self-esteem," he says. "Be sure to reassure her that her smell and taste turn you on, and that you're enjoying being there and that there's no rush; she has all the time in the world."To Kerner's last point: it's important not to be too goal-oriented. You run the risk of screwing hings up completely. And anyway, you should be enthusiastic. Going down on her is one of the surefire ways to make sex last (much) longer.
4. Tongue-pummeling the clitoris like a speed bag.
"Not checking in to make sure he has the pressure right. Cunnilingus is like a massage…it's important to get the right pressure so that it's satisfying but not overwhelming." – B, London, UK.
Of course, everyone is different but many of the women I polled mentioned that too much direct pressure on the clitoris can be too intense to be enjoyable. "The head of the clitoris is homologous to the head of the penis, meaning they come from the same embryonic tissue, "explains clinical sexologist and creator of online video series, "Sexplanations," Dr. Lindsey Doe. "The same way you probably don't want me sucking, flicking, and rubbing the head of your dick is the same for my clit. Run your tongue along the length of the clitoral shaft. Use the clitoral hood or prepuce to massage it without direct stimulation. And for goodness sake, pay attention to by body cues because I might want less, more, or something different altogether." "We each have our own pressure preference," adds sexologist Amy Levine. "The clitoris is nerve packed—more nerve endings than the entire penis—and while some women may love a firm touch, for other's it's too sensitive. Take note of her verbal and nonverbal cues."
5. Not using your fingers or using them as a proxy for your penis.
"Fingering straight, instead of curling the fingers upwards towards the front of the pelvis to hit the g spot feels like a tiny penis. It doesn't do much." – B, London. UK.
Not all women like their cunnilingus accompanied by fingering but many of the women I spoke with said that having their g-spots rubbed in conjunction with a mouth on and around their vulva made for a more powerful and reliable orgasm, particularly when doing the "come hither" motion and rubbing the spongy area one to three inches up on the front wall of their vagina. "Don't think of your fingers as a proxy for your penis; it's not about the thrusting; it's more about the penetration and pressure," says Dr. Kerner. "The vagina naturally tents and contracts, so insert one or two fingers into the vagina; press upwards against the g-spot, let her vaginal muscles nestle and clench against your fingers."
6. Not taking a hint.
"When you say, 'Mmm, that's so good, I love that', and they immediately switch it up. If something feels amazing, please oh please keep doing it just like that." – L, Brooklyn, NY.
While her thighs my be on your ears from time to time, listening to the verbal and nonverbal cues she's giving you is going to be a key part of whether she looks forward to or is frustrated by the oral you give her. Typically, Moans, "yeahs" and "oh my God"s mean "keep doing exactly what you're doing" though according to many of the women, I spoke with these are often interpreted as requests to change things up. Another respondent, J of Brooklyn, expressed it this way: "Moving back to foreplay-style moves like licking the inner thigh once a pattern and rhythm has already been established sucks. I'm trying to focus on an orgasm!"
Prolonged silences on the other hand, my require you to open other channels of communication. Don't be afraid to ask what she likes. Then do that thing. And while you're having those conversations, just make sure you don't say any of the phrases that you should never say to a naked woman.
Grant Stoddard
